My morning alarm is going off again. It’s a Wednesday morning, so of course it’s going off at 6:30 A.M. But what sets this day apart from the rest is that I will be relying on medicinal cannabis more than usual. On a typical day, I hold off on my cannabis use until my work day is done and I’m able to finally shut off my brain. My anxiety is usually kept at a tolerable level, and if I’m really lucky, I won’t have a migraine or have trouble sleeping. 

Today was not one of those days. Today my alarm is blaring at me stronger than usual. I didn’t sleep much the night before because my brain wouldn’t let me sleep. Working through years of trauma has caused me to suffer from functional anxiety but terrible insomnia. To add insult to injury, I also have a migraine. 

Since I work part time for a private company, I don’t have sick time or PTO; a luxury that I currently wish I had on this day. I decided to forgo my medicinal cannabis because I don’t feel comfortable driving after smoking. Today will be difficult to get through, but it’s not the first nor the last that this scenario has played out.

7:00 A.M.: No Cannabis

I know that compared to others, I have it relatively easy. For some people, they don’t even have the luxury of choosing to forgo cannabis because it is the only thing that helps them function. I’m grateful to not be in that position. I know that I would benefit from taking a hit of cannabis to ease my head, calm my anxiety and help me focus after a night of tossing and turning. But, I also know that the amount I would need to ease my current situation would be better suited for after my work responsibilities have been completed. 

I decided to chug a cup of strong coffee, pop some Excedrin Migraine, and drink a few glasses of water before attempting to meditate and ground myself. Sure, I could have tried taking an Ativan for the anxiety, but it leaves me very cloudy and sleepy; something I really couldn’t risk after a night of tossing and turning.

I threw on some comfortable clothes knowing full well that at the earliest moment my work is complete, I’ll be taking a hit from my vape pen, closing the curtains in my bedroom and trying to fall asleep or at the very least give my eyes and brain a rest. I wish there was another way for me to get through the day; cannabis really would be the most beneficial for me.

11:00 A.M.: No Cannabis

It’s been a few hours into the day so far and my head is pounding. It honestly feels as if there is a vice grip that has wrapped its spiney arms around my eye, down my cheek bone, down the side of my jaw and into my neck. If I swallow wrong, I may just lose all the coffee I’ve now had, the toast I managed to keep down and let the knot in my stomach win. I’m exhausted but my heart is racing. I can only drink two cups since I have a heart murmur and have to limit my caffeine intake. Because I’m so tired and my anxiety is at a high level, my brain isn’t being kind to me. It’s telling me that I’m not being productive enough at work. This is not my day.

My boss has some cannabis powder she offered me to add into my last cup of coffee, but again, I’m not comfortable driving after ingesting cannabis and I’m worried that I may have to leave work early if my head doesn’t start to feel better soon. Total cannabis catch-22. My boss has MS and has had her medical marijuana card for the past few years. She is well aware of how cannabis can help ease pain and relax the body. 

I decide that I will try to get through the day as much as possible, leave the day job a little early, plow through my freelance work as soon as possible and then finally imbibe in the only thing that will truly help me. Maybe one day I’ll be in a position where I won’t have to choose between suffering through my challenges and using cannabis to help ease my pain. One day I will work for myself full time and won’t have to drive anywhere. I’ll be able to take a sick day, smoke some cannabis and sleep through my migraine pain and anxiety. One day.

4:00 P.M.: Soon There Will Be Cannabis

Part one of my day is now over and I’ve made it home. I don’t have to drive anywhere for the rest of the day, I just need to get through my freelance work. Fortunately, tonight only requires about two hours give or take worth of work. By now, my mind and body are so tired from anxiety spiraling this morning, that I’m left with only exhaustion and a migraine. Figuring out two of three challenges is better than it was first thing this morning. At least I’m in the homestretch and can count down until when I can take a couple of hits from my vape pen.

5:00 P.M.: When In Rome

I’m about an hour into my freelance work, which of course is sitting in front of a computer screen. Fortunately, my part time job isn’t on the computer so I’m not exposing my eyes and my migraine to blue screens all day. But by this point, I’m incredibly exhausted and run down. I have the looming reality of needing to cook dinner still hanging nearby and my body feels ready to sleep for the next three days.

I decided to take one small hit of cannabis to help me get through the next few hours of the day. For now, I can get through basic admin work, graphic designs and because I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot the rest of the week, I decide to plow through the rest of my blogging work that I needed to get done tonight. Yeah, that overachiever in me kicked in again. Even though I’m suffering, even though I smoked a little, even though I could benefit from even more cannabis use, I’m still working.

7:45 P.M.: Finally, Cannabis Relief

Sigh. I have finally made it through the day enough to smoke more cannabis, eat my dinner and lay down. My anxiety had kicked in again towards the end of my work day so now my brain is being overactive again. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep early tonight, even if I wanted to. But, at least now I can ease my mind, slow down my brain and have zero responsibilities left tonight besides getting ready for bed and taking care of my furkids. 

I’m fully aware that my situation is mild compared to others and that I won’t always have days like today. Today was a rarity, but one that truly could have been made better with cannabis. Because cannabis helps me with several of my challenges I hold it in a very high regard. I don’t respond well with melatonin or other sleep aids. My migraines are usually at a level 4 of pain but this day was exceptionally bad. And I know that my brain deceives me in ways that will improve the more I’m able to ground myself and get a good night’s rest. Cannabis has been such an incredibly helpful medicine for me that I don’t find it’s worth the trial and error of finding other pills or tools to help ease my pain. I know what works for me and that truly is just a good dose of cannabis.